This lady right here copes on her own terms…

An Instagram follower sent me a message and said “can you change your profile picture” “a picture of you and the boys alone” “the issue happened a long time” “you need to move on” “your future relationships may be affected”…

My reply is attached

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I cope on my own terms, I laugh when I want to, I dance when I want to, I stay quiet when I want to, I cry when I want to. Instead of trying to impose your idea of how a widow should carry herself, kindly pause and think about it. Instead of trying to tell her it’s time to move on, pause and ask yourself what do you really mean. Your goal is to let the person know that you want her to be happy, so just tell her you wish her true happiness and leave it at that.

Oh forget about a,b,c really? How do you all of a sudden forget that you were married? How do you all of a sudden forget that you have children? How do you all of a sudden forget that you had a life with someone? The goal is not to forget because how on earth do you forget?

But the same people who come to you and tell you to forget get offended when they see you smile. The day after the thanksgiving service, a picture of me hugging my bishop and smiling circulated. Come and see Facebook people “ah she is smiling so soon?” “Fear women” bla bla bla. They couldn’t even see that the smile was not a normal smile. Oh no , I’m not bothered about such comments but can you just leave widows alone? Widowers are not dissected, their moves are not questioned, their smiles are not misconstrued.

And please note: Empathy not Sympathy.

We move forward, I cope on my own terms, I’m not in a rush, I’m not in a hurry, I do what gives me peace, you cannot rush me to do what you think should be done. Human beings cannot be pleased, do you know why? Three days after Maxwell was buried, someone discussed with another person that I’m young and I will move on. Then when the person realised I wasn’t behaving the way society expects widows to behave, I was accused of “all you are thinking about is moving on”. Why would you say someone will move on and when you see the person moving on in your opinion, you get offended? Someone also called and realised I was crying and advised me on how I should control the crying especially when the kids are around and even spoke with my friends and said we should take a walk, then boom some months later, the same person accused me of not being able to cry when my husband died implying I never loved the man and I’m wicked .

When you see someone putting on a brave face, it doesn’t mean she is a log and has no feelings. It only means she has decided to not let her pain cripple her, limit her, reduce her to nothing. She is forging ahead with the pain which has even become her motivation so respect that and spare her all your criticisms and timelines.

I still have a scar I had when my Senior High School bus was involved in an accident. When I touch my back, the scar is there. Have I forgotten about how the tyre came off and the bus drove into the bush and fell on its side and people started rushing out through the windows? No. Has it stopped me from living? No.

Cheers to coping on my own terms 🥂, cheers to making decisions that prioritize my sanity 🥂, cheers to smiling, crying, dancing, playing etc🥂, cheers to moving forward with the pain and experiences and developing strong character instead of fear and weakness 🥂, cheers to doing what gives me peace 🥂 and cheers to raising children in love even when there is pain 🥂. Send an email to talktobarbs@gmail.com and let’s get interactive with positivity and forging ahead!